I resist change. It’s totally normal; our brains are geared for homeostasis, or keeping things the same, because change is scary and unknown and a threat to survival. Homeostasis keeps us safe, but can also keep us trapped. And I’m feeling trapped.

I’ve been at home with my kids for almost eight years. I don’t regret my decision, but I am feeling that it is a chapter that needs to be wrapped up. But every time I start to think of my options, my brain starts freaking out, and my anxiety is sent into a tailspin and I back off.

Part of my hesitation is fear of the unknown, of course. My brain knows how the current system works. (Even if it’s not working very well anymore.) But I’m also afraid of limiting my options. I’m a 7 on the enneagram, and 7s are characterized by keeping their options open and not wanting to be limited. 7s love to be involved in a million things so that they are able to drop boring shit like a hot potato. 7s are fun seekers, or even thrill seekers.

That doesn’t seem to fit with the desire for homeostasis, except that as a SAHM I have a lot of freedom to do what I want (within the restrictions of having no additional income and three children to work around). For example, right now I am alone in my house while all the kids are at school and preschool, so I can blog, or work out, or eat junk food, or watch Netflix, or whatever. (OR WRITE.) (ARGH.)

That last parenthetical statement? About writing? That is the biggest hurdle for me. I want the freedom to write. Except mostly I go to physiotherapy and counselling appointments and check Facebook and mope, so I’m not actually writing.

One of the best and worst things about writing is that the parameters are so wide. People can publish their first book in their teens, or in their seventies. People can write anywhere. If there is a story I need to tell, I am pretty confident that I will find a way to tell it. But it’s stalled out right now, so maybe the best choice is to go get some new life experiences and broaden my perspective a bit, and then bring that to my writing.

This blog post is basically a public pep talk to myself. If it serves as a pep talk for someone else to try something new also, then that’s a bonus. And here’s hoping that all my philosophizing translates into an actual change.